Explain it then. People talk crap about "if you understood" and then don't actually explain it so people can. Don't expect empathy but refuse to give anything away to get it.
Because I'd rather stop existing than live on with these memories. I'd rather be reborn again, and live in ignorance.
Though things may be different here - so this may be my chance to sever the connection I have to Agni. If he won't let me go, but he won't do anything to stop me... then this place may be able to take the choice out his hands. Either way... if it means I'll be free, then there's no point in staying here.
What if you die here and you remain here. The ghost I spoke to said the others were around somewhere, even though they were dead. Cloud was from a previous set of guests, and he's still here. If you're wanting to run away from your memories, and decide dying here's the way to do it, you might just be stuck with them permanently.
I am aware. But were you really listening to me, Ash?
[ she smiles, expression humorless. ]
Even if it means being left behind with these memories... if it means Agni won't be here, then I wouldn't mind it so much. My last wish is still to have nothing more to do with him.
Because he loves me, and he doesn't know how to let that go. For a fifth-zen god who was supposed to have reached enlightenment, he is still a fool.
[ though it sends a pang through her heart, she won't address that ash would miss her. she doesn't want to let the emotions of this life cloud her judgment, if she can help it... though the sedative is making that more difficult than she'd like. ]
And I hardly need to wait for the vote to take my own life - just Thursday night.
Betrothal to a god means eternal rebirth, for as long as it holds true. If he would release me from it, I would be able to die and stay that way, for once.
...If you don't think I can accomplish it myself, Ash, you are mistaken.
So you just... get reborn and then remember all your past lives?
[ that's a heavy load to bear, huh. ]
I'd really prefer that you didn't. All of us would. [ It's the truth, but he's just saying the words now. ] Just, y'know. More people would still be dragged into it, if it wasn't apparent there was no killer.
It can take a while, but yes. As long as the betrothal is in effect, I will never be able to see either paradise or hell when I die. I'll just be reborn and start all over again.
...You all care so much about a woman who is no longer here. [ ash doesn't need to know that she's struggling to keep the brilith ruin of this lifetime in check. no one does. ] Would it help if I left you all a note? No one else would need to be involved.
... [ Man that's complicated. Would he want to keep clinging to his mom in that same way if he could? Not his birth mother, he doesn't really remember her. But...
He's not sure he would. ]
Yeah? [ well. i mean. that statement gives away a fair bit from phrasing alone. ] You're forgetting that if you've been in this state of mind since you got here, then we all care about-- [ And he points at Brilith and does a circle with his index finger. ]-- you, whole.
[ in a flare of anger, she hurls the question at him. as if she's ever had a choice? as if she prefers this sort of cursed existence?
...but a moment later it's gone, brilith reminds herself that ash can't really understand. no one here can, save agni, and she doesn't want anything more from him. ]
Call me what you want. I've had too many names for it to matter.
I'm just saying, people don't react positively to that kind of shit. You're asking why people didn't throw open their arms and welcome you to the party? From our perspective you just jumped in to throw yourself under the proverbial tram out of nowhere and you scared them.
There's two sides to everything. [ It all comes down to that "understanding" thing. Something she isn't too interested in helping with. ]
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That kind of stuff has a knock on effect, and the people left behind remember them and what they wanted. You know that.
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I wouldn't think you'd be one of them, Ash. Or did she mean more to you than she realized?
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[ He just gives her a very flat look. "She"? ]
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Though things may be different here - so this may be my chance to sever the connection I have to Agni. If he won't let me go, but he won't do anything to stop me... then this place may be able to take the choice out his hands. Either way... if it means I'll be free, then there's no point in staying here.
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What if you die here and you remain here. The ghost I spoke to said the others were around somewhere, even though they were dead. Cloud was from a previous set of guests, and he's still here. If you're wanting to run away from your memories, and decide dying here's the way to do it, you might just be stuck with them permanently.
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[ she smiles, expression humorless. ]
Even if it means being left behind with these memories... if it means Agni won't be here, then I wouldn't mind it so much. My last wish is still to have nothing more to do with him.
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And if he dies here as well?
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Then he will keep his distance. He always follows the orders I give him. He won't come near me, if I tell him not to.
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... Your relationship with him is a mess. [ sigh. ] I'd consider it a damn failure if you died here, Bril.
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[ raises her eyebrows. ]
Why?
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[ he just tilts his head. ]
'Cause I'd miss talking to you. You're sharp, and a good asset in figuring this place out. I'd be ticked I couldn't help you.
You can go on and tell me that's selfishness, but only when you're done trying to commit suicide by majority vote.
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[ though it sends a pang through her heart, she won't address that ash would miss her. she doesn't want to let the emotions of this life cloud her judgment, if she can help it... though the sedative is making that more difficult than she'd like. ]
And I hardly need to wait for the vote to take my own life - just Thursday night.
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[ ... ]
Someone else gets dragged into that too, Bril.
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...If you don't think I can accomplish it myself, Ash, you are mistaken.
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[ that's a heavy load to bear, huh. ]
I'd really prefer that you didn't. All of us would. [ It's the truth, but he's just saying the words now. ] Just, y'know. More people would still be dragged into it, if it wasn't apparent there was no killer.
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...You all care so much about a woman who is no longer here. [ ash doesn't need to know that she's struggling to keep the brilith ruin of this lifetime in check. no one does. ] Would it help if I left you all a note? No one else would need to be involved.
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He's not sure he would. ]
Yeah? [ well. i mean. that statement gives away a fair bit from phrasing alone. ] You're forgetting that if you've been in this state of mind since you got here, then we all care about-- [ And he points at Brilith and does a circle with his index finger. ]-- you, whole.
Those can be forged or messed with.
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And I suppose you'd refuse to let me go, were I to tell you myself before curfew.
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Yup. We're at a bit of a standstill, huh?
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[ in a flare of anger, she hurls the question at him. as if she's ever had a choice? as if she prefers this sort of cursed existence?
...but a moment later it's gone, brilith reminds herself that ash can't really understand. no one here can, save agni, and she doesn't want anything more from him. ]
Call me what you want. I've had too many names for it to matter.
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I'm just saying, people don't react positively to that kind of shit. You're asking why people didn't throw open their arms and welcome you to the party? From our perspective you just jumped in to throw yourself under the proverbial tram out of nowhere and you scared them.
There's two sides to everything. [ It all comes down to that "understanding" thing. Something she isn't too interested in helping with. ]
Bril it is then.
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[ this is getting frustrating. usually she has a better handle on her emotions than this... ]
What do you want from me, Ash?
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